Back in 1984, we had to do a small research paper for an English class - with a twist. Make it look like anything but a research paper. Sooooo, I did reasearch on 12th century English castles, and specifically the siege of Ludlow Castle by Stephen of Blois. It's just plain ... silly.
19 April 1142
Herein lie the words of Smedley Gavinson, as spoken, to and transcribed by, Friar Peter Brown
My most Illustrious Lady, Empress Matilda,
You have requested of my most humble self that I give an accounting of how the siege of Ludlow Castle came to pass. As I had been but a lowly page, and therefore unsure of all the why's and wherefore's of my former Lord's mind, I will relate only my own meager knowledge in my own lowly manner. I hope that it please her Ladyship to find favor with my humble part in this matter.
All of my life I have been the errand-boy and spy of Baron Gervase Paganet, a man loyal to you, Empress Matilda, the rightful heir to the throne of England.
When your scheming, dastardly knave of a cousin, Stephen of Blois, claimed the throne, my Lord was extremely upset. (And rightfully so, might I add.) Knowing that his loyalties lay with you, my Lord siezed possession of Ludlow Castle in defiance of the usurper King.
At this time, I was promoted to personal servant of the Baron. (The former occupant of the post had been slain by my Lord Baron in a fit of anger.) I settled happily into my new life at the castle. My Lord may be a little harsh at times, but I caught on to my new job quickly. (Might I add, my ducking and dodging skills improved vastly as my Lord's anger increased.)
One of my jobs was to ferret out information from the peasants in the village below. (Peasants can have some very intriuging information and gossip at times.) A short time after my Lord's takeover of the castle, I heard from one of my sources (a drunk from the wondrous Pub of the Sleepy Lion), that that scurvy devil Stephen was marching to Ludlow to lay siege to the wondrous castle of which we were growing so fond.
I eagerly rushed to tell my Lord and Master of my findings. For my efforts, I received a resounding thwack across the head and an admonition to "ne'er, ne'er listen to the tales of drunkards - they always lie through their teeth." I paid little heed to his words, as he was half in his cups when he said them.
The next day, after having slept off the results of his previous evening's debauchery, preparations for the siege began. My Lord had chosen this castle for a very good reason. It is made of solid stone, instead of the common timber of other motte and bailey castles in the area. We should have been able to withstand a long, siege, for the gate house is one of the largest and strongest ones ever built. The bailey wall was well fortified also, with four towers projecting out into the surrounding ditch. Any attacker had a long, hard, struggle before gaining entrance into this veritable fortress.
My Lord Baron was thrown into a frenzy of activity: siezing stores of food and drilling his soldiers and archers. This flurry of activity meant that he had little time to spare for my spyings. (He claimed that they were just bunches of gossip that were blown out of proportion.)
This meant that I had some free time to explore the glorious castle in which we were entrenched. I spent most of my time in the circular nave of the chapel, enjoying what peace I could in that lovely spot. (I would strongly recommend visiting it when you finally claim the throne, my Lady.) I also had to spend some of my time searching for a replacement for the seamstress. (The old one suffered the same fate as my predecessor after sewing one of my Lord's sleeves shut in a fit of nervousness.)
By the time that the self-proclaimed wretch of a king Stephen, and his troops, finally arrived, the entire castle was in a disorganized uproar. (Possibly caused, in part, by my Lord's vitriolic and very unpredictable temper.) Many of the servants even considered running away, but by that time we were completely surrounded by Stephen's troops.
Stephen tried using war machines to fling stones and such over the walls. He also used siege towers in an attempt to scale the walls, but they were daunted by the size and strength of our fortifications. One of Stephen's men was so shaken up that he allowed himself to be snagged by one our grappling hooks. (These had been lowered over a spot in the wall in hopes of snaring a hostage.) Unfortunately, that dratted meddler Stephen managed to release him before we were able to haul him over the wall.
Unfortunately for us, our food ran short, as did our tempers and our strength. (My Lord's strength was not waning, however, as he often practiced beating on me to relieve his tension and keep his sword arm strong.) Finally, not even the stone walls (and hearts of stone behind it) could hold out against the relentless force that was arrayed against us.
My Lord's final order to me was that I somehow manage to escape so that I could relate to you the story of his valiant stand against the usurper. His hope was that you might find room in your great and generous heart, to send someone to rescue him, and reward him as he so justly deserves.
And so, my fair Lady, ends my account of how the siege of Ludlow Castle came to pass. It is my humblest hope that you have found pleasure in my modest narration, and that you will reward my for my courage by allowing me to remain in your service. (Now that my Lord Baron is temporarily indisposed.)
I remain, ever humbly yours,
Smedley, lowly spy and your servant forever.